Posted by: Zen | June 23, 2013

TPEP: Beginning of the End

  

Day 6 – Beginning of the End
 
Musashi-san died.
My sorrow grows large as the Pacific

It get harder from here

We need to hand steer a minimum of 15 hours a day. Covering 75 miles day in order to make it in 27 days from now approx 5 knt an hr or better. We have water for 32 days
LZ figures. 22 days , she is thinking nonestop. I am thinking hov-to breaks. We’ll see!

 
Tonight is the first night on stoppage. We covered about 40 some miles today half as much as needed, but it is the first night. We are down to less than 2,000 miles to Hawaii. About 1990 NM. So we’ll see how this works out. I hope we can get some smooth seas, because currently the waves are beating the heck out the ZenCat and the nerves of LZ.
 
Day 7 – 6:30 am
 
Uninspired, cloudy as the sky
Moving forward hopes light as the wind
From mud grows the lotus
 
Wind broadside from the west, current from the south, when it should be North. As yet no day of sunshine to be seen. Seas are confussed as I , yet they have only themsleves to deal with. Lots of water from all the wave hits under boat have soaked the floor from the underside vents. We feel as ovecast as the days. When does the magazine fun start?
This is going to take a while. Headway is a challenge. As miserable as things are, they could be a lot worse at least it is not cold. We are grateful. This headway weather, current challange should pass in a few days. We must ganbarimasu! 1960 NM to go…yosh!
 
 
4:05 pm
 
When we decided to go to Hawaii the weather was perfect, wind right, current right. Now everything is wrong!
 
We are both tired and frustrated. We need to go on, the wind is from the west! I had thought about sailing through the night, but we needed to stop and rest!We where able to reach 7.5 knts at one point, that was kind of cool and hopeful.
If we can have some copperation with nature I am sure we can do 9-10 knt direct to Hawaii. I do not undersatnd why the Tao blocks our progress, is it for our own good or a punishment. All perspective no doubt 
 
The Tao does not care. 
We are just drops in the Ocean
Fish swim, and birds sing
 
One thing for sure this is my last long distance passage. Short huals only. I have tried to see the beauty but 95% has been suffering. No sun maybe 3 hrs in 7 days, no stars only for 2 hrs one night, no pleasure sailing, just trying to move forward against head winds that are not suppose to be there! I want a refund! :-)
 
 
Day 8
 
The eighth day of passage
Nothing changed but the date and time
Another bad choice in life
 
Least there is no storm, 
Other than in my heart and mind
Somewhere a sunning bird sings.
 
So tired, hungry, sleepy, where are the beautiful sunrises, sun sets, sea life. All have had is clouds and wind from the wrong way. Turning back thoughts are close at hand and heart. LZ fights sickness, sorry my dream turned to a nightmare. I recall Yoh Sensei’s book, how he wanted to give up also and we’ve been through less. I worry about water lasting…
 

 

 
We have lost the use of one rudder. I rigged up something to help turn….poor. We are struggling! I do not know if we can make it unless nature helps. We need helpful wind and current, right now it is all against us! Sad, frustrated. LZ is sick, I am tired and getting weak, we really need a break, the good kind, not another rudder kind.
 
 
 

 

 
 
 If something else breaks, we are done! All is lost when I call for help! People lose everything in fires, earthquakes, floods, if alive one can always get stuff again. Life is not about stuff!…positive thoughts to self.
We will try to make Hawaii, there repairs can be done. With over 1900 miles it seems hopelessly fighting the Tao. 
 
Even in my rain boots my feet are wet, several days. Mentally preparing to lose everything…but will continue until we can not or reach Hawaii! Yosh!
 
Ninth day
 
Sun partly showing, sign…hope?
Full night of sleeping, floating, planning, prayer
Trees need dirt to grow.
 
We will try a new tack of 8 hr on and 8 hrs of rest, balance is important. Things are not in our hands, so might as well try and trust in the Tao to bring us through. Staying healthy is important as is a good mind and spirit, so rest is needed…balance.
 
Partly sunny but no wind
Hope can be as a fluffy cloud
Fish swim, birds fly…simple
 
500 miles from land.
Limping, floating, and drifting on windless sea
Hawaii seems a foolish dream.
 
Sunshine, partly cloudy and rain
God shows leaks at the window joints
Birds fly, fish still swim.
 
Crippled, wet, drifting, calm seas
LZ cleans to bring order to life
New wind is still prayers
 
Viewing the blue gray sky
Honda motor makes power while we drift
Nihon still a world away.
 
Five miles lost night drifting
Seems the ocean is sending us back
Hope is fleeting spring shower.
 
No divine to change things
Nature is uncaring, we blend or not
Fish swim, birds fly…life
 
 
Crawling to fordeck with glue
Speading the sticky whitness around the glass
Keeping the outside in place.
 
Knocked down seven, stand eight
Nine days seeking harmony with the wind
Heartless wind never tires…cares.
 
Belief in God is good
Following the Tao can bring serenity…peace
Now my belief’s…duct tape
 
Evening of th 9th day
 
Understanding the circle
 
The circle, symbol infinite flow
Day spent motoring, tacking back to start
One understand the circle intimately.
 
 

 

 
It has been decided to return. Safety is more important than dreams. Had no usable wind most of the day. We motored, we drifted, we tacked. There comes a time when logic needs to over come stubbornness and accept the flow. Nature always wins. A day wasted on limited water is a day lost. Tomorrow unknown. Following the pattern of the last week nature. The saying hard heads make for soft behinds. Or “one can not push river” tomorrow. We return to Ensenada.
 
Even drifting we are pushed that way…sort of
 
 
Day 10 the failure of Fuu’s folly
 
At 4:00 am, after not sleeping much, I started the motor for the long trip back to Ensenada. I do not know if we will make it with out help. It is about 530 miles, we have enough fuel to motor for 2 days, with fair winds it will take 8-12. of course there is no wind to speak of today. So depressed. LZ is weak and sick.
I have to wonder is it better to dream , try and fail or not to try and just keep the dream. I am tired. Unless the wind helps, God, Nature, whatever we will need to call for help. Which means most likely leaving the boat. It is good there is nothing highly important on here than can not be taken on a resuce boat, at least I planned that well.
 
Once we get back, unknown. If boatless, it is simple, we get in touch with Okansan in Japan and try to head home to Osaka to reset life. With the boat…? Maybe just put it up for sale. The cost of equipment to reasonably, safely cross is beyond what we have. Watermaker, windvane, SSB or Sat phone something to communicate with someone.
Well we did try, and were not one of those who sat at the dock for years talking about leaving. However in the end it means about the same…nothing.
 
Another cloudy sky day
A small gloom compared to my heart
The windless day seems endless
Glassy sea silky smooth
Container of life and death, calm chaos
Fish swim and birds fly
 
500 miles off the coast
The last days of the Zenmaran afloat
In joy there is saddness
 
 
Day 11
 
Another day adrift. LZ is sick again and on edge. However not ready to call for help. We can wait, there is food and water. Nothing stays the same nor can this situation. I figure even if a storm comes there will be wind before it, we can use that to get closer to land and call for help, or try to out run it. The boat is still fast in good wind, although hard to steer with one rudder. Faster than a storm doubtful, but we can run, then baten down and wait.
We are in the middle of the coast of Baja. 500 plus miles to Ensenada, 600 and so miles from Cabo. Kind of sucks, it is what it is. The 20 miles we motored north yesterday 6 was lost drifting over night. We no longer drift to shore, now we drift out to sea. I will wait another day or so.
 
 
Going almost in a circle
Current takes us back to the beginning
Sleeping winds dream of nothing.
 
Last night we had a hot meal and sat on the deck for dinner. It was in fact kind of nice and peaceful, once blending into the moment and not being lost on what was not. I read. I had a full night sleep last night, I must have been exhausted or escaping. I slept from 7 or so until about 7 this morning with only a loo break.
 
 
Another day, clouds and drift
Training on being in this moment only
Swiming fish look for breakfast.
 
I am not a sailor, l guess that is one lesson from this. I can sail, I can handle the boat well and blend with the element, however the moments of pleasure have been slight. There was a few moments when the flow was there, the sequencing , the harmony of movement, with water, wind and self was balanced, beauty. However a real sailor would live for this adventure. I have been measurable since we left. I guess I am just a weekend sailor. I do not want to do this passage stuff again. I would love to fly someplace, rent a boat and explore, then fly home. That would be excellent. Sail around the inland sea, exploring, yup I want that. Weeks at sea, wet, drifting, sleepless, tired, with a broken boat sucks.
 
On the other hand, if I had the money to buy a well setup CAT or put the money into the Zenamaran, windvane or highend Auto pilot, watermaker, communications system, I would continue with this. A friend, said cruising is about the people you meet on the way. That is so true, met some nice people, that one only will met by being out there. The passage part sucks for the most part, so it has been my limited experience. We joked about that sitting around one day drinking wine. How pictures of sailors, sailing are mostly from the good moments afterward, were everyone is buzzed and forgottening about the sucky trip to get were they are. The trip is why sailors drink so much.
 
I was looking forward to some great sunrises, sunsets, masses of stars at night, dolphins swiming with the boat, frolicking with the boat and waves, whales in the distance, me saying there she blows. All we saw mostly was clouds. I know it has been one of the other side of manys sailing, like the folks on ZTC who have on the tropics, sunning, hiking, drinking, skinny dipping, frolicking with flora and fauna… There are two sides to everything. Yin and yang, Ours has been the otherside, even then, it has been the light side of the otherside. Thankfully there has been no terror!
 
I am sad that the Zenamaran will not see Japan, we will be boatless there. All the plans and years of effort laid for setting up that life are, will be gone. LZ has said in one of her positive moments that the Zenamaran served it’s good purpose, we made excellent contacts and friends because of having the ZenCat, ones that would otherwise not have been. Ones for Japan at that, which is important for us to re-set., even one with some musical connection, at least for some Jamming.
 
I rememeber in Yoh sensei’s (Genius book recordholder) book about how discouraged he was at one point, hating the sea, ready to give up. Here it is not so much I am ready to give up. Here we have hit a wall. The wind was blowing west – onward, the auto pilot broke- onward, the rudder broke – onward, the wind stopped – onward, at every onward was another stop. If one believes in going with the flow of the Universe of the Tao , it would be plain to see when one is trying to push the river. We are out of money to continue. So unless the “Tao” sends some positive reinforcement to do so, like Yoh Sensei gifts of money for repairs and food from his friends, we have reached the end of the line for the Eco Passage.
 
We will drift and wait for a few more days, before pushing the red sos button. We have to ganbatte as long as possible. So often just when you quit, things are about to change. We have water and food, so we’ll ganbarimasho!
 
 
Only faith in change left
Heaven doing large life, we so small
Fish swim, the oceans roll.
 
——
 
Glassy, wavy mirrored surface
Reflecting below what is above
Floating, no other purpose
Than to wait
The Tao
——–
 
Sending spot signals, 
Saying we are well.
 
Wonder if anyone who sails,
Can tell
 
Something is wrong…
We sit.
 
——–
 
LZ cleans, does her hair
Brings order to her life, her Zen
Mirrored Ocean reflects the sky.
 
Even in sadness there is joy…
There is some good news. I have been concerned about salt water found in a lower portion. None has been found over the last 2 days, so it seems to be coming when we are assaulted by the wave. This is some comfort in a time of litttle.
It feels as thugh the wind may return tomorrow. I am trying to make a weather connection. So far the timings have been off, or it is the wrong area or something.
 
Evening of the 11th day
 
I thought we had a break, the wind started. We did also. Some help from the motor and we started. We ran with it for about 1 hour. reached about 4.5 knts at one point, i thought ok. We are off, and cut the motor back more and more. I had hope to recover the lost ground of the past night’s drift, which set us back some 9 miles south west of what we gained the day before. I also figured and hoped to get closer to Turtle bay. Go there refuel, rest and then onward to Ensenada. Figureing with fuel, even if the winds die we could make it in 4 days back to port, relief and rest. 
Then then wind got less and less. I brought the motor back on line…it started to change pitch, not in a good way. The winds fizzled, it was decided to stop. Another problem has shown itself… Now the motor is posed to die… I think. How wonderful another challenge from the Universe. Even going with the flow, heeding the signals, bulletin board sized posts, to return, I am being blocked, tormented.
 
So settling in for the night, locking down everything in hove-to state, the rudder so it does not move to much and break the final rudder post. Well a new surprise, now the light for the compass is burnt out, so can not see the direction at night.
 
Even under the best of conditions, we are a week away from port.
 
Somewhere someone, Something 
Enjoying the joke, a big laugh
But not here.
I am so tired.
 
” Do not pray for an easy life, pray for strength for a tough one” …Bruce Lee
 
The waves are up from last night, it will not be a peaceful night…
 
Night waves rock the boat
She is alive with bangs, bumps, knocks
Sleeping fish do not care.
 
Day 12
 

 

 
I wired the broken rudder, so at least it can be in the water. I opened all the sails full, and stopped worrying about chaffting. The air is light as we started managing 23 knots. The winds varied up and down, there was even a while where sailing was was fun at 5.0 knts. Streering is hard, but it is somewhat easier with two rudders to hold course. We are making some headway toward land. I figure the closer we are into land the more chance of getting help, by seeing a boat or on the radio. However that is at least several days away at any pace.
 
Light winds from the west
Sails open full to catch any breeze
Hope peeks through the clouds
 
White sails taunt with wind
Bouncing on early summer blue ocean waves
Mintues… sun smiles on me.
 
We are 460nm from Ensenda as of today. We had a good sail. It was even enjoyable. Nice speed, not too much bump. I saw the sun, and the moon tonight. We will lose ground over night whilst adrift hove-to. I have tried to cut it down, but as far as I know it can not be stopped. I thought about the sea anchor, but logicaly the Ocean will still move everything that on /in it unless fasten to the bottom.
 
Tomorrow, it would be great and a real blessing if it was like today only better and good get 50- 75 miles. That would be outstanding.
 
Day 13
Sunrays peeks through morning clouds
Course set to face the summer sunrise
Fish only care about breakfast
 
Set underway at 7:00, Lz still asleep. Sea not too bad, wind is good. Soon up to 5 knts plus mostly holding. We lost 10 NM while sleep. That is disappointing but not unexpected.
 
What is on the sea
Moves with the sea, not of will
On the sea, sea rules
 
It is again cloudy I have acepted that is the way here, or for us on this trip symbolic of our state. However as long as we can move there is hope of landing at some point, as daily we sail closer to a port. From time to time I hear a voice on the radio , but I know it is too far for us to reach. Once again closer to shore there will be the chance of fisherman contact, perhaps a town into a port.
 
Sun kisses the wave tops
Splashed Ocean spray drips from the sails
Life’s good at 6 knts
 
Just reduced sails. Seas getting rough. Not fun, but better now than too late. So much for the 5 knt avg. better slow, than… over!
 
Temp patch on starboard rudder not holding. Broke after a few hours. I tried another system of tying it with line
 

 

 
 
I have contacted the Coast Guard to advise of our situation.
 
We are in the system. I was surprised to reach them in San Diego. We are some 480 miles south of Ensenada still. Of course the CG has serious equipment.
 
CG wants us to abandon ship to send help! I said no!
 
…at least not yet are we ready to quit!
 
“Knocked down 7 stand 7″…his holiness the Dali Lama
 
Knocked down 13…?
 
I am not feeling strong.
 
Evening of the 13th day…
 
We are hove-to , large swells are starting, but the ZenCat feels fairly calm.
 
I watch the swells rolls under and past. The boat rolls sometime more than other and everything shakes and bangs…just like every other night.
 
The make shift patch on the starboard rudder fell apart today. I raised the unit back out of the water. Not having it even partly in use really effects the handling of the boat.
 
That and the talk with the CG left me really depressed. The Coastguard saves lives, not property. Seems there will be no way out of this with out losing the ZenCat.
 

 

 
We are about two weeks away from a port of sorts. The way things are going…I am not confident we will make it. When we wanted to go West to Hawaii, the wind blew from the west, when we want to go north back to Ensenada, the wind blows from the North. Our night drift takes us back over the ground we covered during the day. If by some chance we do make it east close to the port , we still have to go north, about 100 miles against no doubt head winds and opposite current. If there is no wind, then there is the motor which became questionable on our last use.
 
Even though I fight, I feel it is a lost battle and I just go through the wasted motions reguardlss of my efforts, i can not push the river. LZ is trying to be positive after I gave her a pep talk yesterday , and pep talk me. My brain understands, my spirit does not.
I wonder even if this writing will make it out of this, and we may have to give up everything but our lives.
 
I hope my friend with his cancer operation is fairing, better than we. Life is full of these yin moments in one form or another innit!
I am tired, I have not been meditating on a regular bases, trying to move forward under sail. I have still done it but not regular. I need to return that practice every morning before I try to go forward, it will center me at least for a while before the clouds of futility in fold me in darkness. 
 
On the other hand…
 
Maybe things will improve tomorrow. The wind will shift to be helpful as will the waves…or a fishing crusier will come along an offer to tow us to port…or God will work some other miracle from the countless prayers submitted…or Jesus will return and bring peace on earth.
 
I need to not think and just go to sleep, pleanty of time to think tomorrow.
 
4:00 am day 14
 
Another big frustration is being unable to get weather. The ssb reciever works …sort of, and the ipad translater works but… The time that is listed for abroadcast , there is nothing!
Sigh.
 
At least I can see there is no thypoon. Otherwise basicly blind!
 
7:30 am.
25.10 n
120 w
 
Another day starts same pattern. LZ is sick, cloudy, big chop, fairly windy from NNW
We have water at least for another two weeks. The plan is to try for a lil port called turtle bay. That is a common stop for gas, not much else is there. But we can anchor and try for help. Maybe a bus or pay a driver to go to Ensenada. Once there I can locate someone to tow the Zenamaran back, the 250 miles I am pretty sure. I know a local guy named Chewy , I am sure he knows someone.
Turlebay is some 350 mile away. Seems much further…
 
I am sure everyone who is following or SPOT post knows somethg is wrong since we grow no closer to Hawaii. However unknown by them what is the problem or what to do, until I press SOS. I will not do that until ready to abandon ship, because that is what will happen when the CG comes. I have made a mental list of things I can carry away. The rest will be lost. I hope our iPads can made it.
 
It is a late start today, I am charging the battery some with the honda, so we can VHF talk if needed, also it gives LZ a chance to rest more. I did my morning Zazen to settle my spirit. Two more weeks, one way or another…yosh!
 
We should have been half way to Hawaii…Man plans, Heaven laughs.
 
10:30
We fought the waves this morning. Surf was high, winds moderate. It was a struggle with one rudder. I needed to use the motor to turn us East. After much discussion, heated and tense it was decided to stop trying to fight the Pacifc and go where it is sending, now back south. SouthEast really. There is a small anchorage and perhaps a resturant in what is left of a town called Santa Maria after the last Hurricane. It is reachable in the two weeks of supplies we have left. Once there??
The sailing is much easier going with the flow of Nature. This is truly following the Tao. We shall see how ths path turns out.
…Man plans, Heaven ordains.
 
Winds blow from the north
Adjusting sails to head South leaning East
Life smooths with wind behind
 
At least to be clear Santa Maria is the plan for now . Like every day the sea changes , we also have to change in order to survive ths. Depending on the angle we are forced to travel we may over shoot Santa Maria and need to continue to Cabo San Lucas. We are so tired! The broken rudder makes every mile a hardship, physically , mentally , spiritually!
 
8:00 pm
We are hove-to for the night. My concern this night is about the remaining rudder, will it last until we make land fall. A minimun two weeks away. If it breaks in route. End game! All is lost! We have among tears and saddness given thought to what we can carry on the rescue transport and started to assemble items of value. It is a sad night. Perhaps unneeded…perhaps not. I am tired and heartbroken at the thought of the end.
 
There is strong surge tonight it is most uncomfortable.
 
Day of the 15
 
Today the surge is better. We are able to make a little northeast head way. This is great! If the winds changes to westerly, it will be most helpful we can get a better heading northeast. The weather reports for SoCal say the winds will change to west over the next several days.
 
The daily bummer is that we have to make up lost grounds for the drift at night. This means the first 2 hours of travel is back tracking. I tighten up some bolts that had worked loose on the port rudder this morning. I hope it helps. We are still some 340 miles from turtle bay. Our destination changes with the wind and waves. Turtle bay is still our closest and best hope. Maybe we can hire a fisherman to tow us to Ensenada. It is only a couple of hundred miles north of Turtle Bay.
 
This seems a bit more hopful today with less violent waves and inching NE and closer to Turtle bay . The last 75-100 miles we should able to motor sail…if the engine will hold up. So we will get as close as possible. Also once in the 75-50 mile range maybe we can come across a local boat to help.
 
Trying to have some faith
Another day of mostly clouds and gray
Spots of sun break through.
 
Today is two weeks out here. I think I am adapting, or feeling like we can make it to port with even a small bit of luck. Little by little, very little the miles are ticking off. If the winds do change to from the west it will be a big blessing from the Tao. At any rate planning on another two weeks of being out here before sighting land, that will be a huge up lift.
I ran the motor today, it seems ok, but gets sluggish and changes tone. Maybe because of warming up or the different loads the ocean puts on it. I am not sure which, whatever I will save until, whenever needed, and sail on.
 
Sailing was somewhat pleasant today inspite of the circumstances. Nights we tend to get depressed. I am struggling still to get the weather reports. The SSB is not clear, the NOAA reports are for SoCal… I am tired.
 

 

 
I heard there is suppose to be west winds tomorrow in SoCal , I hope here as well, we can sail northward. LZ is struggling this is hard on her, me as well, since I put her in this place! So I have that on my head. She is determinded to save the boat, I am determined to save her, boats can be replaced.
 
The 16th day
 
Today is hard! LZ is freaking out! She had bad dreams and is on edge, that makes it even more harder. Emotions are tense. on top of everything else it is on my head I put her into this! 
Streering is tiringly hard with one rudder to hold course in this chop. Again cloudy! Surge is ok, but chop is up! Deep inside hoping for something else to break, so we can give ths up. Nothing well of course, that would be the easy way out. This is not to be an easy trip.
 
As long as we can sail I have to keep going!
 
Double reef. Winds are not bad, but chop is rough. LZ wants to go slower. Bad chop, hard to streer, LZ freaking out. THat is the hardest part, makes me want to give up ! If I mention quiting, that freaks her more. I am between a rock and a hard place. I have made peace with failing, and losing the boat, it is after all just a thing. Her health and state of mind is more important. It may come down to me just saying , enough.
 
We exist on three levels
The Physical, the mental, the spiritual plane
All of mine are tired
 
I called the Coast Guard for weather. That was helpful. At least we are not in the dark about that and there is no weather danger. All wind still from the north. It is very very hard making any forward headway against a head wind in a CaT with a broken rudder on top of the already built in limits. We are 4 days away from NEEDiNG to go north!
 
The remaining rudder is deteriorating. I doubt it will make it to Turtle bay. When it goes, it is the end of Fuu’s Foolish Fantasy Folly.
 
Crews of dreams and hopes
Are too weak to push a river
Castles made of sand fall.
 
LZ just reminded me, the Zenamaran has been our home now almost two years. We lost our condo in the big crash, now we are going to lose another home. 
 
Sadness pouring as a waterfall
Coldly crashing on my head and shoulders
Man plans and heaven ordains
 
Day 17
 
Another day of the same
Choppy ten miles lost, while we slept 
Awake praying to go north
 
 
290 miles from nearest port
Double reefed we beat north …. a struggle
We’re a drop of water
 

 

 
I have removed one reef. There was not enough power to maintain course, trying to edge northward. Waves are calmer today but still the major movement is east. At least closer to land perhaps there is help. North seems so far away.
 
Such a huge ocean
So far from land we float
The smallness of the boat
Compares with the fleeting
Size of hope.
 
We are now 250 miles from a port. Progress is slow but we did ok today. Hove-to now, seas are rough! Do not know which is worse, days or nights. LZ screams softly with each large dip or wave slam, this has me concerned enough to hove-to until the sea calms. That and the fact the boat is hard to handle with one rudder under these conditions makes it wise and safe to heave-to for now.
 
Asked CG if we abandon how much can we take. He said generally it is up to the rescue diver. Generally one bag, I was told…
 
So tired!
 
Got an updated weather report from the Coast Guard, not great, could be worse, like the gales expected in SoCal. No gales, but not pleasant conditions, chop, some white caps, med winds. Wind from NW really need it from the West. Reviewed use of Sea anchor tonight just in case we need to settle in for a couple of days. Good to be ready, just in case. LZ is near panic most of the time. I feel bad putting her through this. She says she never wants to see the Ocean again. Understandable. I have had my fill of the Ocean life. But I still like sailing, even now there are some moments that are enjoyable…not many but some…brief ones. In sadness there lives some joy, all is not Yin all is not Yang…I am really tired and so ready for this to be over. If LZ says lets quit I would not argue. She has fear, I am just tired, frustrated, and disappointed!
 
Day 18 –
 
Choppy sea hard to streer
Sunshines, we wait, float…today is rest
Too weak to push Ocean
 
Sea anchor engaged, we float
White caps dance around boat and tease
Sunshine…sea does not care.
 
I got a weather update. Also was able to see the weather fax. The winds are not expected to be high, only breezy is the report, a few white caps, chop. However the concern is the wave height. 6-10 meters. When I first heard this yesterday I did not get the meters part and thought it was feet. 6-10 ft is not too bad, but 6 -10 meters is different…something to be concerned about.
 
I put out the sea anchor after spending about 30 min gettting it setup. The deploy was easy enough and it is holding. I have it rigged so I can adjust the angle. LZ says she can feel the difference in the ride. All is working. I have the rudders up, also the centerboards, and the sails down. The ride is quieter, still with some of the big waves it is unsettling, at best. Even though it is holding well, I have some concern about chaffing overnight. I have put hose wrapped in duct tape on the two rubbing areas of concern. Even though with the angle adjustment the are times it rubs at those spots. I am concerned about it lasting the night, much less a couple of days. For the moment it is not hitting those spots, but the way things happen is when we go to sleep it will and we will be adrift in high seas in the dark of the early morning. Really though adrift is not the true concern, because one line in the bridle will hold, however it wll place us abeam to the high waves. That is a big concern!
 

 

 
Conditions deteriorating, have contacted the Coast Guard. They are contacting Mexican Navy.
 
LZ Is in panic mode, she is suddering when trying to speak. I have set off EPRIB, since we have not heard back from the CG via radio, time to give it up. Tomorrow expecting 16 – 20 ft seas. No way we can handle that with a broken rudder and nerve wreaked crew. All we can do now is wait for the end of of this ill fated trip. So sad, such an end to a dream. Thankfully we are reasonablily safe and help is coming.
 
Sadly releasing long held dream
Overwelmed with power attacking direction to go
Zenamaran’s new port called memories.
 
 
 
to be con’t
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Responses

  1. my God ….
    Your words … repetitions of, “failure”, “sadness”, disappointment,” “frustration” … “folly”…

    How untrue!
    This story reads of HIGH adventure.
    How much stronger you two come out of it… if you allow yourselves to see it. Forgive me for saying this … but please don’t view this adventure with your ego. Like you kept saying… “letting go” …

    This was amazing!
    NOTHING what you planned … but how rare your journey is.

    Oh. And if you’re looking for another home, come down here to North Carolina. The housing prices are really cheap and it’s on the coast. There’s also plenty of rivers, lakes, and bays if you want them.

    You can work this story from many, many angles. This is gold!

    • Thanks for your comment, yes there is truth to your words. As I said it is a matter of perspective. Right now, i am too close to view it from a positive part after so many years of planning. However there was an amazing adventure and people encountered, that otherwise would would have been missed. Also the most important thing is we survived to look back on it and reflect on it as a huge adventure. For the moment however we are too close to the lost and working on releasing those attachments, both physically and mentally. That too is part of the lesson, the training, the story, the aftermath and how it is handled. As in the lost of a family member there is morning, because the dream, the boat both had spirit, their own life. There is no disgrace in failing, there is disgrace in not trying. Failure is as much part of life as success, yin and yang. The sense of loss, the sense of failing is part of being alive. The experience. I speak of fantasy and folly from the view of not being better prepared. The lack of funds for better equipment, depending on fortune, angels, karma, to cover the lack of high end equipment, sat phones, windvanes, etc. My ego is not ashamed of failing, of letting go, for if i did not let go, we would not be here. Knowing when to let go is as important as hanging on. In Tai Chi we learn, sometimes when we lose we win. We lost a boat, but won our lives.
      Thank for your post

    • Oh, btw thanks for the suggestion about NC, however already been there did that. Not NC but Va. Not my path. Considered even Atlanta, with family, nope. We will still head to Japan, my future is still there. The boat was not just our boat, we lived on it for the last year and a half. It was to be our home in Japan.

  2. Zen, your and Lady Z’s strength is the great consistency throughout your saga. Penelope and I have both read your log with amazement – what an incredible time on the ocean. And, when you said you were ‘done with passages’ that hit home for us, for we, too, have reached that conclusion – particularly after going through a gale a couple of months ago near the Florida Keys. It’s gentle coastal sailing, no overnights, and relaxing in idyllic anchorages for us. We hope you eventually find the same outcome, old friend.

    • Prof, thanks for dropping by and your comment. Yes, raw nature can have some unpleasant moments. The more we re-settle the more it feels better we came through alive and the losts are minor.

      Fair winds my friend. Life has a way of bringing, things and people back together.
      Best regards to Ms P.

      Z

  3. My condolences on your loss. My congratulations on the success of your second challenge (your safe return). Your entries above confirm your understanding of balance. Your experience gives you a perspective on the realities of that balance not many get. Suffering is easy to define but not so easy to impart its enormity. Maybe if it was easier to impart more would stay home :) How does one learn to overcome? He often fails. The most successful people often are the most familiar with failure from their personal experience. The question now is, how strong was your dream? Your responsibilities to LZ are clear and she doesn’t have to make the journey. Some people are driven to overcome such obstacles. If you are not the type to thrive on overcoming adversities, you may be better served knowing you had what it took to leave the dock and roll some serious dice with life in the balance and work. Then on to other pursuits. There is no shame, just a matter of personal satisfaction. I certainly respect what you accomplished. Without posts from LZ and with continued entries that she was still sick every day I expect she got very little from the experience in the way of satisfaction. My heart goes out to her.

    Again, I doubt any of this is news to you but maybe hearing it from others will help you come to terms with what the significance of the trip was and what you take back in the end. Coastal sailing certainly calls for less suffering. Risk to reward ratio is much better with International flights and chartering :)

    • Thanks for the feedback my friend. Your words are true. As i said to another , the more we settle back into life the more the voyage seems a success, just doing it( attempting ) and surviving. As far as making the goal…well making the actual sail was only part of the process. Without a boat, that path to the goal is voided. The real end goal is different and that will be still be pursued.

      LZ did her own writing it is in Japanese. She has said though she has had more than enough of the Ocean and it’s risks. She would prefer not to even see the Ocean for a while. However is still open for short sails.

      Thanks for your thoughtful feedback

      Fair winds

  4. Wow– you both have been in my thoughts. I wondered where you were in your journey and logged on to read your updates. When I saw “Beginning of the End,” a deep lump formed in my belly. I am so sorry about the loss of your boat. However, I am so glad that you are both safe. I know you are shaken from this. I can’t even imagine. . .

    With that said, Fuu-san–this was one of my favorite posts you’ve written. Not just for the deep candor in moments of what seemed like terror and despair –that is rare to see on a lot of sailing blogs (people hate to admit their failures without painting them in a lot of sarcasm or circuitous vanity) but also because it really was an adventure if you can take that positive spin on it. I couldn’t stop reading it. I had to pick up the kids from school and I seriously had to pull over on the side of the road to continue reading until the end of the post. For what it’s worth, you could edit this and turn it into a larger writing project? I know that’s probably the last thing on your mind with all the more immediate concerns of what to do next but I wanted to let you know that I was mesmerized by the decisions you had to make, the struggles, the way you took such detailed notes, and especially the interjections of the zen quotes to calm the stress of the details. I could almost hear you thinking aloud. I could feel the mounting waves, the worry and sickness LZ must have been feeling, the guilt and worry you felt for your partner and the painful decision that had to be made. You are an excellent sailor and I hope this doesn’t make you doubt that in the long run.

    I know that you’ll find a new beginning from this sooner than later. Ensenada will be a good pace to recoup. Let us know if you need any help with Spanish translations for any of the more complicated stuff or with government dealings. We can help via phone–just email us. Take good care of yourselves. We are thinking of you.

    • Arigatou guava-chan. A few others have spoken about turning this into a larger story. That maybe something to tackle later. Perhaps even a Japanese version.

      Writing while were were traveling was in a way my release and outlet other than sleeping for this trip.

      Thanks for the Spanish help offer. We have decided returning to Ensenada is not productive and will be heading to Oasaka shortly with the compassionate help of some friends.

      As far as sailing. I will be sticking with it, just no plans for long passages. At some point we maybe able to swing another boat in Japan, a small one, just for some island hoping.

      Thanks for your post

      I will stay in touch, mata ne!

  5. It takes great courage and strength to do what u did, success needn’t always be measured by others achievements. You achieved what you needed to and learnt what was meant to be learnt. I honour your journey with much respect and wish you all the best in your future dreams.

    • Thank you.

  6. This is heartbreaking, yet so utterly poetic the way you tell the story. I am so truly sorry for your loss of boat and your dream of completing your journey, but as you say in a comment above, “Knowing when to let go is as important as hanging on.” It took a tremendous amount of courage to go on this adventure, but I would bet that it took even more courage to push that button and take that step off your home. I cannot imagine how you must feel and I thank you for sharing with us your candor, your honesty, and your wisdom, and I am happy that you both made it back safely. I send you wishes for peace and a fast recovery of spirit and may you be surrounded by friends and loved ones in Japan.

    • Thank you, Melody. We are safe and in good hands while in Japan.

  7. […] without a self-steering setup… Gotta love the line "When does the magazine fun start?" (grin) TPEP: Beginning of the End | Zen's Sekai II – By Sea For passagemaking, a good windvane will be some of the best money you'll ever spend on your […]

  8. […] Too bad the Tao apparently never mentions anything regarding the value of a Shakedown Cruise… TPEP: Beginning of the End | Zen's Sekai II – By Sea […]

    • Too bad you apparently did not read everything before making judgements!

  9. I was made aware of your saga via this post’s inclusion on a recent Windtraveler post (Keeping it Real). I am glad for whatever in the world you have found to ease the pain of this wound. My wife and I are also quitting cruising, though not under anything like the circumstances you endured.

    ..

    • Hi, we will continue with the boating life, once we can replace the boat. Thanks for the note.

  10. […] for one of our internet friends. I just came across a Facebook post last night which led me to the blog entries which detail the circumstances leading up to Fuu and his partner choosing to abandon their […]


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